I've had a kinda rough few days. Yesterday I got a weird stomach virus and ate about a hundred pieces of gluten free bread (mmm my digestion feels great now🤦♀️) and today I was planning to go for a hike before being super focused and getting lots of work done today (hahaha), but then when I was dropping Zisi off at school she said her tummy hurt, and try as I might, I couldn't ignore her, so home we went. The good news is, I did laundry, cleaned my room, made some beds, and almost finished folding the clean clothes from Friday lol. The bad news is that I felt weird and kinda untethered all day. I had plans to focus. Plans to daven, say Tehillim that I'm behind on, watch training videos, work on my website, a flyer for a pro workshop I'm doing in December. Ask me how much of that got done. After a second (or fourth?) piece of chocolate at around 2pm I took some amino acids to see if I could get out of my funk (DLPA), and then I got tired while Zisi was napping and kinda said to myself "f*ck it," and I climbed under my weighted blanket on my bed that has no sheets on it (they're in the wash). And then, as I distracted myself from the sleep I was aiming for, I read something on a WhatsApp group from the Lubavitcher Rebbe: "What is most important for you to [know] is: enough with depression." Boom. I don't generally respond well to tough love, but there was something about the simplicity of this statement that got me out of bed. It hadn't really occurred to me that I was depressed today. My experience and history with depression has been a lot more extreme than a day of unfocused attention and a lack of direction in the day, so today just felt kinda floaty and disorganized, not "depressed" per se. But when I read that, lying in my bed not accomplishing things I wanted to do today, the truth kinda hit me. I'm not "capital D" Depressed, but it was a kinda "lower-case-d" depressed few days for me. You know how when it comes to substances there are "depressants" and "stimulants"? I was unstimulated. Not sad or hating my life or anything. Just kinda the opposite of "stimulated." So I got my ass up. And I did a Challenge Your Core video that made me feel stronger than I thought it would. I took a time lapse video of it to get me going and have something fun to see afterwards (you can message me if you wanna see, it's really silly looking and not at all tznius, so it won't be going anywhere public) and I did it. Once I got going, I actually did get some work done. And I wrote this. Exercising alone at home is hard (group classes and walking outdoors are easier motivators for me). Getting stuff done is hard. But today, on my last legs before carpool, I said "enough." I put on my tiny bike shorts, and got my ass out of bed.
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